Supreme Displeasure

Christ on a cracker I hate this shit.  I don't think I've ever enjoyed public speaking.  I've enjoyed rehearsing plays, developing characters, creating scenes with partners and then performing those rehearsed gems for a public - but having to stand up in front of a crowd, stammering through my thoughts with the hope of landing some morsel of intellgence ... fuggetaboutit.

That's what I'm thinking right now, after finishing a rather painful pre-show for The Blue Flower, where:

1. House Management blared music as I began.
2. The hot dog vendor rattled pots
3. The cranky son of a bitch sitting RIGHT IN FRONT WHERE I WAS PRESENTING decided to be a cranky bitch to House Management.

Delightful.  If I ever become old and crotchety, SHOOT ME.  Shoot me dead. 

It was not good, and it is also partly my fault.  I am out of practice.  I am not out of practice with the speech; no, I'm out of practice speaking in front of a group.  I have run through my speech several times - alone.  Standing up and facing an audience while trying to sound eloquent, witty and generally well-informed ... son of a bitch!  Doing that in front of cranky geezers (well, a geezer)?

AGH!

In general, the crowd was polite - and I got a couple of laughs out of them.  But they, like me, probably wanted to get the whole thing over with ASAP.  But, oh no - that wasn't going to happen.  I would jabber on, wondering "where is my water?"  "Can I turn and get my water?  Can I ... d'oh!  I said doesn't instead of don't ... now I have to correct myself ... STOP OVER THINKING THIS!"

BUT, tonight was necessary.  It taught me that I need to perfect a style.  My writing style has changed since I've gotten to school.  I've developed one.  My speaking style, though, has not.  I realized this the other night as I was practicing: my writing style is not good for speaking, and what I had written was more geared for publication than performance.  I uitlize alliteration and vague words; I try to be textually witty and this wittiness does not translate into the spoken word.

I lack a speaking style.

Now I have to fix this -- but how?  I remember in high school - working from an outline.  Writing out my Introduction and my conclusion, and then speaking from bullet points; however, I've abandonded that method (I tended to ramble or take up too much time - and scripts can be timed).  Though, I should maybe toy with outlined speeches again?  Perhaps I should ... oh God ... ask for more speaking assignments? 

Hmmmm.....

At any rate, tonight was an awful - yet valuable - endeavor in my learning that I have no style.  Fabulous.