Last night gave me a lot of pleasure; today gave me a lot of grief. The drinks at the bar, the sitting in on rehearsal, the meeting of a fine young gentleman (who shares a birthday with me) combined to create a really lovely, unintentionally memorable birthday.
Today, however, I feel drained. I think it's tied to my lack of sleep from last night and, perhaps, dehydration? I don't know, but the depression - the gray-day malaise, felt on a sunny Thursday afternoon - filled me today. The anxiety of not having a job; the seemingly futile attempts at finding one; the feeling of having my artistic input thwarted -- all combine to make the negativity all the more rancid.
I tie the feeling to something physiological, guess that it relates to blood sugar or hydration or rest, because I need to have some control over it. My brain chemistry is out of whack, because I haven't taken enough care of my body. I'm having a gray day because I, myself, am a bit grayed, having lost vividness and vivacity to neglect.
Neglect. There's a word. A word I have fought with for several years now. Drinks with Jessie last week, where she reminded me of some of my more nihilist moments during my 20s, points to that word: neglect. Neglect of self-care. The phrase itself makes me feel a bit arrogant, in a hipster/holistic/narcissistic way.
But narcissism differs from the basic human psychological need for care, for looking out for the self.
Today, however, I feel drained. I think it's tied to my lack of sleep from last night and, perhaps, dehydration? I don't know, but the depression - the gray-day malaise, felt on a sunny Thursday afternoon - filled me today. The anxiety of not having a job; the seemingly futile attempts at finding one; the feeling of having my artistic input thwarted -- all combine to make the negativity all the more rancid.
I tie the feeling to something physiological, guess that it relates to blood sugar or hydration or rest, because I need to have some control over it. My brain chemistry is out of whack, because I haven't taken enough care of my body. I'm having a gray day because I, myself, am a bit grayed, having lost vividness and vivacity to neglect.
Neglect. There's a word. A word I have fought with for several years now. Drinks with Jessie last week, where she reminded me of some of my more nihilist moments during my 20s, points to that word: neglect. Neglect of self-care. The phrase itself makes me feel a bit arrogant, in a hipster/holistic/narcissistic way.
But narcissism differs from the basic human psychological need for care, for looking out for the self.
No comments:
Post a Comment