Glimpse from the Past

My audition today reminded me of why I am happy to longer be solely an actor. Sitting in the cavernous, ultra modern lobby of a student center at Columbia College, I sat across from one of the guys competing against me for the role. Then, in walked another.

I don't like competition. I like playing games -- but scores, to my mind, are more of a means to an end. All games have their duration, and attaining a certain score often spells the end of the game. Anything else, any other hints of "having to be the best" starts to drive unproductive emotions in me. I lose sight of the objective and focus on the other people in the room. 

The fun evaporates when I compete. 

Today was fun. I would trade it for a ride on a roller coaster -- today's fun wasn't huge -- but it was fun to sit in the cavernous lobby of Columbia College and wait for my turn to sit at the check-in table and read for the director (a very, very crappy arrangement, BTW: having people trying to check in while I'm in the middle of a scene with the reader, who was also the check-in person). I waded back into auditioning, but with perspective.

As an actor, I viewed auditions are competitions -- competing for the favor of the director. Now, with a separate career that doesn't feature acting, I didn't need the favor of the director. I don't need the job. All I had hanging over me was the question of whether I would be a good fit and enjoy myself. It was also good sitting there, reading with the check-in guy: all of the distractions -- the other people in the room, listening; the people trying to check in; the people on the street, walking past the windows -- made me focus harder on my scene partner.

I worked, not competed.

Nothing much will come of this audition, I suspect: I understood the material, but I think I was weak on my delivery. Also, I wasn't iron-clad on my lines. I should have run them beforehand with one of my parents.  

But, I don't think I stunk. And I enjoyed it because, for a couple of brief moments, I was speaking and reacting with my scene partner -- a very welcome experience. I miss that most: the experience of interacting with a person, building a story and sharing it with an audience. Today I got a glimpse of that old feeling, and it was a hell of a lotta' fun.