EAT MORE FAT

That’s my diet from my doctor, believe it or not.

It was an odd visit.

I went to my new doctor about a month ago, after having had a horrible experience with my last MD. I needed to update my HIV tests and wanted to find an internist to look after me, so I went to The Pink Pages and found the only MD listed in there that Manhattan had to offer.

So I go.

Lectures on safe sex (yawn … I know this) and then the exam. Cough, cough, tap, tap …

“You have a heart murmur.”

“I do? Are you sure?” … because in my 27 years of existence, Doctors have noticed my maladied lungs, liver, brain and other features that have been infected, clogged and banged around to the point of aneurysm. Now you, who I've just met, tap on my chest and make this diagnosis?

“Yes … come back January 27 for a sonogram.”

SO … last night I went. Editors note: I find it interesting that the sonogram operators I’ve encountered are Polish. I was in the hospital about 3 years ago with a horrible liver problem, and at the sound of my last name a flurry of “psht cht a dob cht zabie” came fluttering at me. No … “no popolskieu … resumje Americaneskieu” … or however you spell it.

Anyway, the lovely blonde lady listened to my heart last night.

“Do I have a murmur?” I ask.

“A cardiologist has to look this over, but from what I can tell it’s very minor, no need to worry … many people have them.”

Goddamn it, he was right!

So I went out of the exam room, through the waiting room, and into the Dr. 's office. He wanted to talk to me. So, a little crest-fallen, I went.

Prior to this visit, the last time I talked to the doctor was to review my bloodwork. At that point, everything was fine, or so I thought.

“Your cholesterol is too low. If we don’t get it up you’ll be at risk for a stroke.”

Now, my cholesterol has always been low. At 3, I was part of a control group of a study on children with low cholesterol. Absurdly low cholesterol. No one ever said this could be a problem, so I took steps to keep it low. Cholesterol free shit, exercise. Every now and again I’d splurge … putting salt and butter on ANYTHING because I wanted to and because I knew I could.

So I ask, “how do I fix my cholesterol?”
“You need to eat more cheese and oils and milk,” new doctor responds.
“But I do … I drink milk all the time …”
“What kind” he asks.
“Skim or 1%” I respond.
“Nope … it has to be whole”.

“But doctor” … I’m a gay man and must have a 32” waist again. I’ve ballooned. I’m back at 180 pounds, back to where I was last year … “I’d like to get my weight back down to between 150 and 155 pounds”.

“How do you diet?” he asks … concerned.

NOW, I realize I have just walked into a trap. I know I should to discuss dieting with a doctor. But, who actually does that? I take metabolism pills from GNC and all sorts of crap to crash diet; Knowing crash dieting is bad, I also moderate my meals ... though sometimes I replace dinner altogether with a MetRx bar …

“I eat smaller portions and more frequently.” I tell him, which is true. AND ... I do view dieting as a lifestyle change.

“Do you low carb or low fat?”

“A little of both … mainly moderation and low fat,” I respond.

“Well, Joseph … you shouldn’t, due to your cholesterol. You need more healthy fats in your diet. Also, you have a thyroid problem.”

At this point every muscle in my body clenched.

“Come again?” I mean, you can't just throw the words "thyroid" and "problem" around without eliciting some reaction.

Then he started talking medical speak … “Most people’s thyroids have between 2-3 blah blah blah’s in the yadda-do. You’re at a 4.2. I’m not overly concerned, but we have to monitor this.”

What I hear: “You’re at a 4.2 and the rest of the healthy happy world is at a 2. You have DOUBLE the crap in your Thyroid.”

“So …” I am now trying to make sense of this …

“My metabolism is too high?” (Pretty much all I remember from AP Bio and “A for Anatomy”, at this point, is an absurd amount of information about the kidney and that the thyroid controls metabolism and some hormones, but it’s the Hypothalamus that is the “master” gland, displacing the “former master” Pituitary gland.

“No, Joe … it’s too low.”

JESUS CHRIST! MY THYROID IS MAKING ME FAT!

MY FAT REALLY IS GLANDULAR!

I’m going to be Gilbert Grape’s mother! They’re going to have to burn the house down to get me out when I die! I’m going to become “Joe-ba the Hut!” OH GOD! MY VANITY! MY FRAGILE VANITY!

“Well, I’m only now getting back to the gym …” I’m starting to panic a bit.

“Exercise won’t help. This is something that we just have to watch.”

OH … GOD.

“But you shouldn’t be on a low fat diet with your cholesterol level the way it is …”

So, basically, I have to put more fat into a body that produces fat like a fire produces heat. Great.

… would you like to hear about my diet?”

Now, I didn’t say anything, because the Good Dr. has his own sizeable tummy, but I thought I should be nice…

“Ummm, OK …”

“I’m writing a book. It’s like South Beach or Atkins …”

Oh God … here we go.

I then got a lecture on how the FDA is in cohoots with the margarine industry and the idea of a low-fat diet is bunk because of this guy in the 1950’s, and if you look at countries that thrive on fats and high amounts of vegetables have very low heart attack rates and there was this Harvard study and doo dah doo dah doo …

In the cartoon bubble over my head: JUST GIVE ME THE DAMN "NEW" FOOD PYRAMID; TELL ME THE NAME OF THE BOOK AND I’LL BUY IT.

So about 15 minutes of talking passes by … he’s really smart, really into his topic, and his foundation for his information seems sound … I want to research it before I buy into it more.

But, more importantly, I want to go home. It is now close to 7:30 at night. It's Friday. I just want to go home … and eat an extra cheese pizza, since I need more cheese in my diet (which is I did, and I do).

Afterall: Doctor’s orders.